dreams for dusk.

i grew up thinking that life would look like new york in the 80s.

i grew up not listening to the lyrics to songs because, why should i believe them. now that i realize that doesn’t matter, if it happened to them or not, maybe i should still listen. now i hear, now i hurt. now i understand. i’m completely connected. completely emotional to the situation, not the person, to an idea, to hope, knowing everything will be just fine.

[completely vulnerable because that is the only way to love, the only way to live].

i don’t like making friends because the last thing i want is to lose one.

i guess i kept busy for so many years because i didn’t want to fall in love. the one thing on earth that i want. because it can hurt so bad until you figure it out. whenever that is.

so i want to get back to work, this year off has shown me so much. but now, the reason i want to work, to be busy, feels like a cop out.

i’m stuck.

it’s been an amazing few sets of days.

you always have to step out on faith. when you forget that, you could have a year like my past last. but just to have an amazing two weeks out of the last sixty is an amazing thing. today i received an album i worked on over a year ago and i’m beyond happy to have received it. some of the songs, we had to learn for a festival in nyc that i told ya’ll about forever ago, and we auditioned against the 10 other schools that came and we got a solo on every song..including the one i auditioned for. others of the songs were from our main repertoire. but the other other part is that i like to film random things. and one of those random things was the sun rising on our ride from nc to ny. this footage, originally just to go into the depths of my random footage for myself, seemed to fit a song i was heavily listening to at the time, ‘Sinnerman’ by Nina Simone. and a video was birthed. now, almost two years old, only about 10 people have seen it. and not until today did i plan to change that. it became one of those things where i wanted to show people but i didn’t feel people would be as interested as i was, as i am, in some of the most random things and how they connect. but today i realized such is the life of a creator. i have to try to do things that are intesting to others but the longer i keep my own interests away the faster it dies. so here. it. is.

the two guys who are the shadows didn’t even know i filmed them sleeping but they’re an amazing bass and guitar player..hope they didn’t mind. mmm. i’ll tell them one day.

the name of the movie is ‘tryon’ and the title’s explained at the end of the video..

understanding.

for some reason, the other day, i took an inventory of my scars and i noticed something. 

..

one on my left shin, was from working for others,

the second on my left knee was from needing to win,

the next on my right shoulder was from fear,

and the last, above my right knee, was from love.

..

not until that moment did i realize why these scars never went away. having some for over a decade, others, almost two. having them fairly distributed across my body was even a testament of my complete makeup. a blueprint for potential exponential progress. yet, they were a showcase of pain, pain turned into physical displays of the hardship entangled with the pursuit of the intangible things that i wanted and fruitless attempt to escape the things i didn’t. before, i didn’t want to look and remember, but, with every one of them, i realize now, i should never rather the lower self to not be able to handle the rewards of understanding.

no excuses.

so i posted that this album released late last year but never posted up the songs i had credits on. so. here they are. : ]

6. motion picture. [wrote and performed bridge]

8. the blacker the berry. [wrote and performed hook]

10. crazy. [as denise in intro]